Quote
"Crime does not pay . . . as well
as politics." Alfred E. Newman
President Bullock
and family evicted
by Home Less
In late-breaking news, Dean Hudson verified
the rumor that the Bullock family has been evicted. For the past few
weeks, students have noticed President and George Bullock loading bags
into the family car and driving off. Says Winship resident Need A. Nay,
"I'm used to seeing the president take a few bundles when going out
of town, but this is ridiculous. She has enough luggage to move into
another house!" Reasons for the eviction have not been disclosed, but
many assume it has to do with the recent revelation of new intergalactic
arrivals to the Bullock family.
Dean Hudson has vehemently denied all
such rumors and states, "The Bullocks have agreed to move into a smaller
apartment, which will be located in the new parking deck that will be
built on the current property. The funding for the new parking lot will
be taken out of the refund received from selling back the $10,000 fence."
As for now, the location of the Bullock
family is unknown, but several Agnes Scott students have heard references
to the old homestead on Tatooine. But never fear. No matter what galaxy
she's in, President Bullock will still have office hours where she can
introduce the community to her new children.
Bullock to
be replaced
by N. Cyder
Fearing that President Mary Brown Bullock
might be in danger of revealing the truth (about her Skywalker connection
perhaps?), the United States government has decided to remove her from
office temporarily so that an official inquiry can take place. To restore
campus security in the presidential office, FBI Special Agent Dana Scully
will hold her position in the interim.
Although the position was first offered
to her less conventional partner, Special Agent Fox Mulder, the government
expressed concern that his absurd theories might disrupt the campus
community. Dr. Scully, known for her skepticism and for her reliance
on scientific data, was deemed a more responsible choice for this prestigious
position.
Interim President Scully will begin
her duties as of April 1. She plans to have an FBI reconnaissance team
inspect the presidential office for espionage devices (as well as hidden
lightsabers). All students will be searched by guards before they can
enter to speak with the President.
A recent survey shows that most students
would welcome Dr. Scully as an interim president, yet most faculty members
remain divided on the issue. In general, the history, English, religion,
and political science departments tend to favor her logical, scientific
approach to the presidency, but some members of each department have
raised quizzical eyebrows and called the government’s plan "ludicrous."
The administration currently has no comment.
Inquiries are expected to last only
until August, pending President Bullock's willingness to submit to the
federal investigation. One factor remains certain: if the government
does find Bullock in possession of the truth, all knowledge will be
denied to the public.
Inebriated
Universe
compiled by Fury Terrier
In entertainment news, NBC has announced
that it is cancelling several of its biggest shows: Friends,
ER, Mad About You, and Seinfeld. Other networks
are following suit: Fox is cancelling Married With Children and
The X-Files; CBS is trashing its Saturday night lineup of Dr.
Quinn, Early Edition, and Walker, Texas Ranger; ABC
has ended Home Improvement and 20/20. Only NBC has any
plans for new shows, announcing that it will begin airing 3-hour editions
of Dateline NBC each night. Shortly after these announcements,
Nielsen announced that due to computer glitches its ratings came out
backwards. Nevertheless, the fledgling WB network is throwing a wild
celebration party in honor of its top status.
The Russian vodka industry experienced
a sudden plunge when doctors for Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced
that they have found a way to keep him from drinking. Several diplomats
promptly cancelled trips to Russia. New reasons for the meltdown in
Albania have come to light with the discovery that the government was
playing the Barney theme song as "hold" music on governmental
telephone lines. Psychologists feel this could have sparked riots as
surely as the economic crisis. Queen Elizabeth II of England, fed up
with the varied antics of her children, announced that she is disowning
them all, but particularly Charles and Andrew. Charles' oldest son,
William, is the new Prince of Wales. Elizabeth has had the Tower of
London reopened as a prison, and the royal children have been tossed
into it, along with several dozen tabloid reporters who have particularly
irked Her Majesty.
President Clinton continues to recover
from his fall and has left the running of the government in the hands
of Al Gore and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The new arrangement is working
so well that the Democratic Party is considering a Gore/Clinton ticket
in 2000. The Republicans are wondering about the possibility of nominating
Strom Thurmond. They feel that if he is fed a Twinkie once daily he
might well survive four or five terms by utilizing the snack cake's
preservatives.
Locally, Georgia Tech is banning frats.
With an increasing female population, parties are no longer as much
fun as they used to be. Since fraternities were only allowed on campus
for the party atmosphere to begin with, there is no reason to keep them.
Tech students hope that Agnes Scott students will pick up the slack.