Quote
"I think animal testing is a
terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
Anonymous
Sidewalk chalk
banned
Class of 2000 suffers withdrawal
by Chalk E. Han
Due to many complaints, the administration
has decided to ban the use of sidewalk chalk on the Agnes Scott campus.
Professors have grown tired of seeing students traipsing into class
covered from head to toe in chalk that makes them sneeze. "I just
can't concentrate on my lectures with bright pink and purple students
sitting in my classroom," said Dr. Pinka. "It's just not conducive
to the academic environment!"
First-years, however, have a different
opinion. "If I can't write my name on the sidewalk 20 times a day
I'll just die!" said Mary Agnes MacDonald. "And what about
elections?" whined Shelly Anne Sulky. "How are they going
to know who to vote for if we don't write it on the sidewalks?"
The first-year class spent most of their budget on sidewalk chalk and
still have around a hundred pounds stockpiled somewhere in Walters.
Winship R.D. Katherine Caron-Greig suggests, not entirely sarcastically,
that they should donate it to the Winship pool table, which has been
chalk-less much of the year.
Upperclass students are delighted. "I'm
sick and tired of this stupid chalk!" said one very eloquent English
major. Many are excited at the prospect of seeing our famous brick sidewalks
again. "They'll be so much easier to navigate now that we can see
the cracks instead of layer upon layer of dusty chalk," said senior
Sarah Louise Moldy. "And besides, who really cares that so-and-so
turns nineteen and a half today?"
Energizer Bunny
to visit campus
by Bat Ree
The Office of Student Activities has
announced a change in the schedule of parties for April. Instead of
scrounging up an unknown and untalented band for a Winship-rattling
band party, they are sponsoring a concert by the King of Hot Pink, the
Energizer Bunny.
Already students are responding with
far more eagerness than for any previous band party. "So what that
he only plays the bass drum?" asks Lyke Muzik. "The mere fact
that he knows what to do with the instrument puts him miles ahead of
the rest of the people we've seen." Added senior Stihl Waters,
"After four years, finally they've gotten somebody with a reputation,
instead of just dragging people off the street or using the parties
as a spotlight for the director's personal project. That was just plain
unprofessional, even if it was cheaper."
Mr. Bunny's appearance at Agnes Scott
was made possible by the filming of several "bunny commercials"
for Energizer in the Atlanta area during the same week. Organizers on
both sides jumped at the chance to give Mr. Bunny more exposure at a
collegiate level.
Since Mr. Bunny's first appearance in
TV commercials several years ago, he has become something of a cultural
icon. Sadly, most of his recognition has come in the form of spoofs
and parodies, and he has become known in many circles as "that
damned bunny." It is hoped that Mr. Bunny's appearance at ASC will
help reverse the trend.
"But Officer...."
Students have bizarre experience with Milledgeville police
by N.T. Guilty
On Friday, February 21, three Agnes
Scott students were arrested for allegedly not parking in a handicapped
space. They were attending the Third Georgia Conference on Friendly
Relations between Dogs and Squirrels, otherwise known as "How to
Get Along with Your Roommate," in Milledgeville.
The students started to pull into a
parking space and noticed that it was marked "handicapped."
Being careful and concerned drivers, they immediately pulled out of
this space. At this point they were greeted with flashing blue lights.
They thought nothing of this, and got out of the car. An officer yelled
at them to get back into the vehicle. Bewildered, they obeyed.
The officer then took the students to
the local jail. He would not tell the students why they had been arrested,
despite their many pleas. When asked if they had been brought in for
not parking in the handicapped space, he mumbled, "Yeah, I guess
so," slammed the door, and left the three students to mope in their
cell, which certainly didn’t live up to the "dorms like palaces"
to which the students had been accustomed.
This incident infuriated the deanery
of Agnes Scott College. "We will not have our student leaders getting
arrested!" exclaimed a slightly perturbed Mollie Merrick. "It
just doesn't look right! Besides that, I don't understand why they were
arrested for not parking there. I always thought that not parking
illegally was the right thing to do. Now I'm not so sure. This is all
very confusing." After receiving a panicked phone call at one in
the morning, Merrick arranged for the students to be released on $1000
bail.
The trial date has been set for April
1. Please support your fellow students by signing the circulating petition
to the Milledgeville Police Department. If there are enough signatures,
charges may be dropped. If not, Student Activities plans a field trip
to watch the proceedings and lend support to the accused.